21 years ago

I have always considered myself incredibly blessed. I have a family who loves me, friends around the world, a university education. But technically, until this year, I’ve lived under the poverty line for my entire adult life- all ten years of it.  

Realizing that shocks me. It shocks me because I’ve been living my dreams. Getting to love and tell the stories of people in other cultures has been such a privilege. Yes, it has cost me, but doesn’t everything of value? 

Only in the past two years have I realized how different my thinking is from most people’s. In Egypt, my friends were constantly shocked at the way I would turn down work that wasn’t meaningful, instead taking lower paying jobs I could believe in. They couldn’t understand my faith that if God led me on a path, He would sustain me. But He did. 

Now I earn a good salary working for an international charity. I have health benefits, a pension, and am actually being taxed for possibly the first time. Many of my coworkers take great comfort in the security of those benefits. When we’ve discussed missionaries, aid workers, and those who live in deliberate poverty for the sake of community, I’ve heard them say, “But how do they do that? What about their RRSPs?!”

I am free from the paralyzing fear of life without an RRSP (although it’s nice to have one now that I do) because of my parents. It’s Mother’s Day. Tomorrow, I turn 28, the same age my mom was when she moved to Senegal, West Africa.

She was 28. My mother was 28 when she and my father sold our house and almost everything in it to go serve a people she had only heard about. She was 28 when she took myself, at seven, and my little five-year-old sister by the hand and boarded a plane to the complete unknown. 

When they left, my mother had only travelled to the UK, and my father had never been outside North America. There were no internet travel guides, or Skype calls with people in the field. My parents believed that Senegal was where they needed to go, so they went. 

I always knew there was a difference between what I had and what my friends’ had- even some of the other missionary kids. But, mostly, those differences slipped off me like water across our cool tiled floor. With books, coloured pencils and imagination I could create any world I wanted to. Later, as a teenager at a private school in Toronto, those differences became pretty glaring. Even still, when I saw what went on behind the walls of my friends’ houses, I was glad for the family I had. 

We always had enough, because my parents believed that their primary mission was their family. But we were also never rich, because God had a calling on us that went beyond anything you could attach monetary value to. My parents’ love for the children of Senegal informed everything they did- from my mom’s organization of child sponsorship files, to my dad’s training of Senegalese teachers, to our family’s support for a single mother and her ailing child. It was infectious- so infectious, that I still have the disease, 21 years later. 

Living overseas changes you. The shiny trappings of wealth begin to look a little tainted, when you know the bleeding hands they came from. You can see the tinges of rust lurking in the corners of fancy cars, brand-new gilded mirrors. And the empty echo of a marble hall becomes a poor substitute for the hard-packed dirt floor of a Senegalese village church, trembling with the music, dancing and laughter of new friends who have always been your brothers and sisters.

I know that I am blessed, because I have caught the joy of those with much less than me. I owe that joy entirely to my parents. 

Happy Mother’s Day. 

Forget-me-not...

"Dear Lord, don't let Billy's memories remain anchors that he has to drag along. Turn them to treasures he can carry with him."

This prayer by a friend of Billy Sprague is one of the most profound things I have ever read in my life. It resonated with me when I read it as a teenager in Ragamuffin Prayers. I remembered moving back to Canada from Senegal at age 12, giving up my friends and my dreams of growing up on the edge of the Sahara, and I realized that I needed those memories to be treasures, not anchors that made me bitter.

Now I've moved back to Canada again, from the other edge of the Sahara. These days, it is becoming something of a mantra, and I pray it every single day. "God let my memories become treasures I can carry with me." Right now they feel like stones on my heart, crushing me with their weight. At other times they just remind me of the holes in my life where all the things and people I lost used to be.

I remember a day when I was 13, almost a year after we had moved back to Canada the first time. I was behind our rented house when I spotted a patch of delicate blue forget-me-nots. They seemed like a reminder to me to keep those I had left behind in my heart, but to make room for new relationships, no matter what the future held.

Since then, I've never tried to keep my distance from the people I write about, live among, and love. I've never been good at NOT becoming a part of the culture I'm in, at staying away from seeking out the beating heart of a city, even for my own emotional good. That's just not who I am.

I think that's why I burned out so fast. I had the privilege of speaking to Western University's International Reporting class for the third (fourth?) time last month. One of the things I talked about was the toll that being a journalist in a foreign country can take on you. I wrote about this in my last post, and it's one of the reasons why I am now back in Canada.

But being back in Canada brings its own challenges. I get really confused sometimes over basic everyday interactions, because they are so unlike what I've been used to for the past three years. Small stresses can overwhelm me because of the things hovering just below the surface.

Not many people talk about moving as a loss, but it very much is one. When a person dies, you take the time and space to mourn them. It's expected. But what about when what has died is your way of life, your connection to a community, and your relationships in the ways that you have known them? To me that is a different kind of loss than losing someone to death, but it goes just as deep. Life will never be the same, and that is something to mourn and heal from.

And those people I couldn't keep my distance from? I miss their smiles, their warmth, their presence so much that it is a constant ache. In the part of the Greater Toronto Area where I live, there is a large community of Egyptians. Every time I hear Arabic, I feel it pulling me like a magnet. The other day I finally got up the courage to ask a mother in Tim Horton's, "Are you from Egypt?" Of course, she was, and we spent a few moments talking about the areas of Cairo where we both had spent most of our time. She was utterly gracious and kind, and called me "dear", just like so many other Egyptian moms I've known. After she left, I felt like the veneer I had built up between myself and Egypt had shattered, and it left me broken too. My heart remembered, and I cried, right there in Canada's favourite coffee shop.

Someday, I know that I will be able to feel all the ways that the people and culture of North Africa enriched my being without breaking down. I'll be able to talk to the ones I love there without tears. There will always be that ache, but it will be the beautiful kind. I picture my treasure like a pearl- layers of wisdom, strength and grace built over the pain until it truly is a thing of beauty that I can take with me everywhere, because it is a part of me. But for now...

forget-me-not...

Stars in Our Crown

It's been a few months since I have posted anything. Part of that is my hectic schedule. Since September I have been working two jobs- teaching high school literature and editing for a local news website- and that has taken up most of my time. 

But the other reason is one I want to address in this post. For some time now I've been doing a lot of self-care, dealing with the aftereffects of being a foreign correspondent and living in a foreign culture. It's not often talked about, but journalists, aid workers and counsellors sometimes deal with what in some cases is called compassion fatigue...and in more serious cases "secondary post-traumatic stress disorder", or SPTSD. After hearing story after story of violence, abuse, and chaos, we can start to feel the effects of those stories in our own minds and bodies. Secondary post-traumatic stress disorder mimics many of the serious symptoms that regular PTSD brings- nightmares, depression, overreaction to situations that should not be deemed dangerous, trouble sleeping, and problems with relationships. If this is coupled with other stressful circumstances or personal trauma, the symptoms can be exacerbated. 

Part of my self care means that at certain points, I try not to read news about violence or human rights abuses other than those issues that I am currently writing on or editing. Of course, it often reaches me anyway, and if it is an issue of particular interest, I can't help tweeting or writing about it. Another outlet involves releasing stress through creative means. I write poetry, paint, and journal. Most of those things don't show up here, but today I wanted to share the most recent poem I wrote. 

A few weeks ago I got the news that a former colleague of mine at the Institute for War and Peace Reporting in Tunis was reported to have been killed by the Islamic State in Libya. He was captured months back, and a news report on one of the terrorist websites had photos of him and another journalist, claiming they had been executed. 

Though I am far away in Egypt, the shockwaves of this hit me hard. Though I didn't know Sofiane Chourabi well, I saw him every week for the months I worked at IWPR, and the possibility that he was dead was difficult to handle. My best friend, who also worked at IWPR and is now with Human Rights Watch, has been able to give me the scattered updates she's received. The journalism community in Tunis was in a state of shock and sorrow, which quickly turned to anger when the Tunisian government failed to react quickly enough to ascertain the two journalists' wellbeing. 

When I heard the news, I immediately reached out to friends and family for their prayers and support. This is not the first time something like this has happened. My mother told me that news like this, "Makes your resume scary, in retrospect." To me, it means I was, and am, doing something that matters. But the conversation got me to thinking of how, as journalists, we often have the unhealthy practice of measuring our value in litres of blood, numbers of bullets and protests, and even, scarily enough, how many colleagues we've lost. Leonard Cohen once said that, "Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash." These are the ashes of this experience so far. 

Stars in our crown

Another one dead
But he’s just one of many
And I didn’t even write about him today
There are so many more to cry about

No guts, no glory
So often the guts aren’t ours
But it’s our job to shout about them
And scramble for the green glory
That comes trickling like a polluted river

War sells
And don’t we have an obligation?
Some are more obligated than us
We call it bravery…or insanity
And their deaths rub off on us
Lending us a sheen of relevance
Experience
The brighter it glows, the more the river flows
That’s what they say

So we place them like stars in our crown
But first we have to pluck them
Out of our bleeding hearts
And stop up the holes with newsprint

The smaller injustices are bullet holes
Tiny pin dots of teargas from police
The boom of the explosions and shots
Abuse from the bystanders, a daily assault
(Because words are weapons, whispered or shouted or written)
The chants of protests in my head while I sleep

I take these out too,
This time from my mind
And pin them like sequins on a diadem
Leaving air rushing through my skull
And through the airwaves

What if there’s too much air?
What if there’s not enough newsprint?
What if I run out of heart, of skull?
What if, next time, it’s me?

My friend informed me that sources are now saying Sofiane is safe, "but we don't know yet." If you're the praying type, please continue to keep Sofiane and his family and friends in your prayers. You can also spread awareness of his captivity, in hopes that the Tunisian government will act to verify his whereabouts, on Twitter using the hashtag #FreeSofiane.

Sofiane speaking to a soldier in Tunisia (from his Facebook page)

If you are a journalist, aid worker or counsellor who is dealing with SPTSD (or PTSD for that matter), I encourage you to reach out for support. Find people you can talk to, and ways that you can express your pain, sorrow, guilt and anger. Without your mental and physical health, you can't help anyone. Take care of yourselves. 

Exporters of an ancient faith...and modern peace

“Every time I smell tear gas, it reminds me of my happy childhood.”

Jenny Baboun, a 26-year-old Palestinian, did not have the peaceful childhood every parent hopes for. Some of her other childhood memories include the sound of missiles going over her house, taking photos with Palestinian police, and playing in the streets at night despite a state-ordered curfew.

When she was four years old, Jenny’s father was handcuffed in front of her and taken away in an Israeli military jeep. He was released the same day, but the incident is engrained in Jenny’s memory. 

Despite the circumstances, Jenny said that her community and family helped make her growing up years special, and even happy, despite constant violence and fear. 

“When the situation was bad, as a child I used to look up to my parents who used to make me feel everything was normal by their steadfastness and their strength in keeping us safe. Living in Palestine, especially Bethlehem, may not be ideal compared to living in other places. However, I would say that I would never want to live anywhere else.”

The conflict between the Palestinians and the Israelis has raged for over 60 years, with heavy losses on both sides, especially in underprivileged areas of the Palestinian territories. Recently, the conflict has gained new notoriety as Hamas and Israel exchange rockets and death tolls. 

Stories like Jenny’s are not uncommon- but there is a part of the picture that remains largely untold by the Western media. Jenny’s father was not arrested for illegal acts, but simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is not a jihadist, a terrorist, or a Hamas supporter. In fact, he isn’t even a Muslim. Jenny, her father, and her family are Christians, members of the oldest community of Jesus followers in the world. 

“I come from a Catholic family and was raised to love the Lord,” Jenny told me. “I may have not been so religious, but I have faith and trust in Jesus! I'm currently reading through the whole Bible and I go to church almost every Sunday.” 

In the West, Jenny’s community may be relatively unknown, but there are those working to change this. Philip Farah is one of them. As a Palestinian Christian living in the United States, he is part of the Palestinian diaspora working to shift the West’s understanding of Palestinians and their conflict with Israel. He is involved in two organizations- the Palestinian Christian Alliance and the Washington Interfaith Alliance for Middle East Peace- that push for peace in Palestine. Every year at Christmas, Philip and his colleagues organize a joint service broadcast over the internet between that National Cathedral in Washington D.C. and a church in Bethlehem, Palestine. They also run interfaith (Jewish, Muslim, Christian) services advocating peace and understanding between Israel, Palestine and the West. Through these activities, Farah says, he hopes to educate people about Palestinian rights, as well as promote justice between Israelis and Palestinians living together. 

Philip is based in the United States, but he is intimately aware of the daily struggle of his family and friends in Palestine. One of his friends, Daoud Nassar, a Christian farmer, owns a plot of land completely surrounded by Jewish settlers. He is not allowed to build structures on his property and is constantly harassed to give up his land. Over the years he has paid a fortune in legal fees to save his farm over and over again. 

But Nassar has turned that struggle into a fight for peace and understanding. On his farm he hosts the “Tent of Nations”, a project that uses the farm to build bridges between people, and between people to the land”. A stone on the property proclaims “We refuse to be enemies”. People from every country, including Israel, are welcome to come to the farm and bond together in awareness campaigns and work camps. Despite the constant threat that the land will be confiscated by the Israeli military, the camp continues to attract attention and support from all over the world, especially with the youth who attend the workshops.

Palestinians of both Muslim and Christian faith are working together to build peace and solidarity in their community. Many famous Arab political leaders have been Christians, and have inspired Arabs of both faiths to fight for their cultural survival. Some of these include renowned Middle Eastern scholar Edward Said, Constantine Zreik, one of the fathers of Arab nationalism, and George Habash, the founder of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine. Such heroes of the Arab culture are looked up to and emulated by both Muslims and Christians. 

Still, tensions between citizens of different faiths do exist. Local Christian and Muslim Palestinian communities react harshly to members converting to the other religion. Baboun mentioned an incident where a young Christian converted to Islam, leading Palestinian Christians to “accuse Hamas of abducting him.” Tradition and loyalty to faith and family run deep in the Arab community, and any breech of these values is dealt with harshly. 

Hazem Farraj knows the pain and fear of converting first-hand. When he was 12 years old, his father moved their family from Brooklyn, New York, to a suburb of Jerusalem “with the intention to become better Muslims”. Farraj studied the Quran, went to the Mosque, and did everything on his “checklist”, as he calls it, to get deeper into Islam. But he wasn’t satisfied, and had a deep “crisis of the heart.” He explains, “Because the crisis was so deep and so devastating, I ended up getting mad at God. And I said, ‘If Jesus is God, then I am going to find him’”. Through the support of local Christians, Hazem made the decision to convert in secret in January of 2000 at 15 years-old. His decision was risky, for him and his friends. “They (the Christian Palestinians) told me ‘We will answer your questions if you keep your mouth shut.’” For three years, he kept his faith under wraps till, almost three years after becoming a Christian, he left home and went into hiding. Soon after that he got the courage to tell his father that he was a Christian. He was rejected by his family and has not been able to reconcile with them for eleven years. 

The heartache of losing his family pushed Farraj away from his roots towards the modern American evangelical community. “I wanted to run from everything Palestinian and Arabic because of the trauma of leaving Islam.” But God spoke to Farraj through a pastor and told him, “Stop running from your culture.” Now, Farraj hosts a popular television talk show where he speaks in English and Arabic about God’s love to “400 million viewers” (according to his website) in North America, Europe, North Africa and the Middle East. He shares as a member of the “minority, minority”, the small, and usually secret group of Palestinian believers that did not grow up in the Orthodox or Catholic church.  

Though his TV program speaks about faith, not politics, Farraj is deeply aware of the daily struggle of the Palestinian church, who are often caught between both the oppression of the Israeli government, and the radical Islamists who give his people a bad name in the West. 

“The reputation Palestinians have is not great,” he admits. “But God has told me that is going to change.” Farraj said that his hope is in this younger generation of Christian and Muslim Palestinians, who are “tired of war and...tired of killing each other.”

One of the ways that reputation is changing is through the leadership of Palestinian Arab Christians around the world. Like Farraj, many Palestinians have emigrated to Europe and North America, taking up positions in churches, Bible colleges, and ministries. According to Jack Sara, the President of Bethlehem Bible College in the West Bank, “God is using Palestinian Christians in a way that they are becoming, really, leaders for the Arab church worldwide.”

Sara says that Palestinian Christians are a paradox to many Western believers, because there is a lack of understanding about the Middle East and the diversity of the people who live there. Many Western evangelical communities, he says, hold to the idea that the state of Israel is a fulfillment of prophesy, and that they must oppose anyone who is opposing the “people of God.” This idea, he says, is a stumbling block to the Christian message in Arab cultures, because many Muslim communities see Christians as “haters of the Arabs” for opposing Israel. “They equate evangelicals as Zionists,” he claimed. And to most Arabs, Zionists are responsible for the worst kind of atrocities committed against Palestinian children. When such political connotations are attached to the Protestant faith, is it any wonder, then, that the Orthodox, Catholic, and Muslim communities in Palestine are wary of converts?

To combat the negative aspects of Christian zionism on the Arab church, Sara is involved in a program called Christ at the Checkpoint, which seeks to offer an alternative vision of the Israeli-Palestine conflict. 

“It’s about time that they see Israelis and Palestinians through an equal lens,” Sara said.

Another challenge facing the Palestinian church is migration. During the beginning years of the war with Israel, some accounts say that up to 30% of the population of Palestinian Christians fled to safer ground in Europe and North America. Muslim Palestinians escaped too, but since Christians were already a minority, their community feels the losses to a greater degree. Sara says that now only around 2% of the Palestinian population within Palestine/Israel consider themselves Christians. 

Palestinian Christians are, in Biblical terms, “hard pressed on every side.” The Christian community, according to Sarah, has been present in Palestine since the first century. Farraj, in speaking about his brothers and sisters in Christ, said, “The Palestinian Christians have kept the faith. It is a miracle that there are even churches and believers in Gaza, Jerusalem and Bethlehem. The minority has kept the faith.” Philip told me, chuckling, at the beginning of his interview, “Palestinians can claim Christianity as their most successful export!” 

These original Christians, who face challenges in every aspect of their lives, embody not only the beginning of 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, but especially the end: “...but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 

Whim Magazine- A whimsical dream come true!

Sometimes Instagram is my best friend. At least it was this month, when I saw Whim Magazine advertise for creative writing contributors for their new issue. I set right to work on a 500 word short story that fit their dreamy, inspirational vibe. I could hardly believe it when Melanie Doncas- the founder and editor of the magazine- wrote me to say they wanted to include it!

My sister, an accomplished artist, and I have talked about collaborating on children's stories for years, but we've never fully put that dream into action. But I had a brain wave when Melanie accepted my work- what if Emma did some sketches for the story? They wouldn't have to be complicated, and her beautiful, delicate artwork would be a perfect fit for the magazine.  Melanie agreed, and Emma set to work.

The finished product is our first published sister collaboration, and my first published short story! The magazine itself is exquisite, with 215 pages of beautiful photography, fashion, creative writing, DIY, and more. I am so pleased with the layout and look of the story. Emma's illustrations add just the right touch of whimsy to the tale. We had so much fun doing this project that we are now working on a series of short stories, which we hope to self-publish digitally through CreateSpace and Kindle.

Please take a look at Issue 6 of Whim Magazine. "A Paper Chain of Hearts" is on page 176. You can connect with Emma through her Facebook page.

For those of you who have not had a chance to check out my sustainable living site, please do. There is a fantastic personal story by the buyer of the Go Exchange- which provides a livelihood to families in Haiti, and supports orphans through the sale of beautifully crafted fashion and accessories. Grace's Way has been a great way for me to be involved in eco-friendly, natural, and ethical fashion, beauty and lifestyle movements, an area I am very passionate about!

Looking at age with a different lens

      This morning I decided to work in front of my open window, letting the breeze, sunshine, and birdsong inspire me as I write. But midway through the morning, I began to be disturbed by some of the grounds workers, lying on the grass about 50 metres from my garden. They were wrestling, yelling, and taking photos of each others, lying on the grass. 

I started getting annoyed. I live in this particular area of the city because it’s quiet, and here in Cairo that is something precious. I pay good money to stay here, and these workers are hanging around like they own the place, disturbing the peace.

But before you go agreeing with my initial reaction, here’s something you should know. Most of these workers are teenagers, kids really. The economic climate here in Egypt means that even young people need to work to support themselves and their families. If these kids are playing around on the grass instead of working, it’s because they probably got up at 4 or 5 am, rode here in the back of a truck, huddled in a blanket, and have been working for hours while I slept in my comfortable bed. 

At the school where I worked, the first thing I noticed when I arrived for my interview were two young boys, about the same age as grade 10 students, in blue worker’s uniforms, moving furniture from one room to another. At first I was appalled that these teenagers should be working in a school with kids the same age and older than them. But as I looked around, no one else seemed to be uncomfortable with this arrangement. As I began to work there, I realized that even the foreign teachers accepted the situation. 

When I saw the cleaning ladies, I was again struck by how young they were. How do they feel coming to work every day, getting there before everyone else, and leaving after all the students had gone home- the same ones who complain when they have too much homework to do to hang out with friends at Starbucks that night? How does it feel to be patted down and searched each time they leave to make sure they haven’t stolen any markers, notebooks, or other small school supplies?

After school ended and the students had gone home, I would often hear the cleaners laughing and running up and down the halls and stairs, chasing each other. I wondered if they would get in trouble for being unprofessional. But they’re not professional. They’re kids doing the work of adults. 

The injustices done to these workers, and to others at the school, was one of the many reasons that I decided I could no longer continue to work there. But I’ve come to realize that my very existence here in Egypt is built upon the backs of these very young people, whether it’s the gardens I enjoy on my daily walks, or the local restaurant where I eat Egyptian delicacies. 

For a former Social Justice and Peace Major, this is a hard pill to swallow. I’m torn between rationalizing it as cultural, and railing against a system that makes it impossible for kids to be kids. On the one hand. until not so long ago, children in the West also had to work with their parents. My own father did work on a farm before and after school. But on the other, the economic situation that has caused these young people to seek employment is one that is entirely modern. 

This is one of my few posts where I have no conclusion to leave you with. I have no lesson I’ve learned, or profound answer to my questions. It’s just one of those many dilemmas you encounter when you live overseas: coming up against situations where you don’t know which side is right- or if any is.

When you don't know why you're here...

Sometimes you end up in places and you’re not sure how or why. Coming to Egypt was like that for me. 

Egypt has always intrigued me, but for some reason I never thought about moving here. That is, until, almost by accident, I travelled here for a little over a week in May. I had been living in Tunis and working as a journalist for over a year, and was supposed to be traveling to Egypt with my Tunisian friend. Plans fell through, as they often do, and suddenly I was going there alone, completely dependent on the hospitality and kindness of new Egyptian friends.

It turned out that Egypt was the perfect place to be when I needed to rely on others. With the help of my friends, I fell completely in love with the people, culture, history, and tempo of Egypt. While Tunisia is one of North Africa and the Middle East’s hidden oases, Egypt is the pulsing core. They are connected to everything: in history, trade and foreign relations. And Egyptians know it. I’ve never met a people so proud of their heritage and ready to share it. 

I went back to Tunisia to do a freelance project and continue searching for a full time job. When the “Rebel” movement happened in June, overthrowing Morsi and the Muslim Brotherhood from office, I was itching to be in Cairo, waiting by my phone to hear if everyone was safe. I couldn’t wait to get back, and in July I travelled there again, this time for a month. 

The month was a whirlwind. In Cairo there were curfew parties, late-night checkpoints, and long nights spent watching movies and playing games with friends, who kept me far away from danger. In Alexandria, I saw a different side of Egyptian life. At a local NGO, Christians and Muslims worked together at a mother and child daycare and training centre, offering up love into the lives of less fortunate. Then my friends and I escaped to another world in Sahel, the North Coast, which reminded me more of a Florida resort and beach party than Egypt. 

When I got back to Tunis, most of the people I loved there were gone- on holiday, or working somewhere else. The city felt empty and lifeless. I had been without full-time work for months, and I was getting desperate...and bored. It was time for me to move on. Within ten days, I had two job interviews scheduled, packed up my life, and got back on a plane headed to Cairo for the third time in four months, this time for good. Even now, almost four months later, my head is still spinning from how fast my life turned completely upside-down. 

I’m a journalist. At least, I thought I was until I found myself applying, interviewing for, and then accepting a job as an English teacher at an American Egyptian school. You see, it turns out that where I live became more important than how I make a living. Loving people and making a difference in the world became more important than my chosen method of doing so. 

I’ll be honest- I am often frustrated that I am not moving in the direction I wanted to in my career. By now I hoped to be heading up a field branch of an NGO communications team. I’ve worked long and hard to achieve this dream, and I am not sure why it always seems to be just beyond my reach. 

There is also the fact that living in North Africa has taken its toll. Life here happens on a different level than it does in Canada. In Canada I was never afraid that my friends would be killed or injured when they went to a protest. In Canada I didn’t work in a place where the cleaners could die if they got sick because they don’t make enough money for the doctor. In Canada life, joy, and sorrow happen much more quietly than here- and so relationships happen on a higher frequency in Egypt too. The arguments are tenser, the love is stronger, the feelings are deeper...and it can be exhausting. I’ve learned more about myself, about God, and about real love and sacrifice in the past four months than I have in four years. 

Enjoying the view over the Nile
Photo by Ahmed Badawi

I still don’t know why God led me to be a teacher in Egypt...or not led so much and pushed me over the ledge headfirst. But when a mother tells me that her little boy framed the birthday card I gave him, and told her, “Look Mom, a teacher finally likes me!”, the why becomes a lot less important. And when a father who has been frustrated with his son’s love of football...and not of school, watches his child perform in the winter play, then looks me in the eye and says, “Today, I was proud of him,” I forget to question whether I should be here or not. On days or nights I am the only who is there to listen to a friend, to show them love, and to tell them I am praying for them, I don’t care about my career goals. Because I know there is purpose in what I am doing.

Maybe I am not saving the world like I dreamed of. Not yet anyway. But I am saving a few kids who the world has already bashed around a bit- the ones whose fathers are leaving, who are new to school and can’t make friends, who have lost parents or friends or siblings. I am trying hard to make a difference in a country whose people will not be defeated. They are teaching me a little something about persistence, about loving even when you think you are too broken and have nothing left to give. And you don’t need God to tell you the whys, the hows, and the whens to know that that is a good thing.